David Caruso - Six easy steps

If any of you are CSI junkies, you will recognize David Caruso as Horatio Caine from CSI: Miami. He's not hard to miss, he's the biggest and only douche bag on the show.... His acting skills are terrible. What is disguised as "superb acting" is really just a bunch of cheesy lines and crappy predictable acting.

So here it is, How to Act Like David Caruso a.k.a.Horatio Caine in 6 Easy Steps:

1. Always have some lame one liner to show how moral and witty you are. Always use it when someone appears to be lost in the chaos or puzzled in the situation. This is very important because it perfects the self righteous attitude. For example:

Woman: "Ever since she died, it seems no one cares about us..."

David: "Almost no one."

2. Make sure you always emphasize certain words, say those words with extra gusto. This will make you look like you have some incredible ability to be dramatic in your dialogue. Example:

Woman: "Ever since she died, it seems no one cares about us..."

David: "ALMOST no one."

3. Almost always repeat one of the "emphasized words". In fact, do it so often that people will think you're just retarded and can't get to the point. Example:

Woman: "Ever since she died, it seems no one cares about us..."

David: "ALMOST...ALMOST no one."

4. Take advantage of your most important accessory: your sunglasses. Use them all the time when you are speaking to make yourself look extra sauve. Always put them on or take them off during your emphasis words or during random moments when you want to be dramatic, most ideally, during your "repeat emphasized words" moments. Example:


Woman: "Ever since she died, it seems no one cares about us..."

David: "ALMOST... *puts on sunglasses* ALMOST no one."

5. No actor can be complete without the old fashioned "jacket kinda pulled back because I've got my hands on my hips in a dramatic way". Always put your hands on your hips. But before you put them on your hips, make sure your jacket or blazer is slighty pulled back at the bottom. Also, this look is only complete if your have terrible posture and stand kinda hunched over. Boy, you are looking cooler and cooler by the second.

(David listens to woman, with his hands on hips, slightly hunched over.)

Woman: "Ever since she died, it seems no one cares about us..."

David: "ALMOST... *puts on sunglasses* ALMOST no one."

6. Finally, perfect the "I will fight for the world" stare. This is tricky but basically, always look like you are going to cry but are holding it in because your desire to fight for the children is too strong. This look is best used when you discover the dead body of a child, or you are talking to the mother of a dead child/husband/sister/niece/cousin-twice-removed.

(David listens to woman, with his hands on hips, slightly hunched over.)

Woman: "Ever since she died, it seems no one cares about us..."

*David then stares at woman with overly sympathic gaze. Eyes glisten slightly before it is taken over with a championesque expression*

David: "ALMOST... *puts on sunglasses* ALMOST no one."

Lesson complete!!!!!
You are now the next David Caruso a.k.a Horatio Caine!
You are now ready to play a huge and moronic douche bag.
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WE WOULD LIKE TO THANK "TASH" FOR PROVIDING US WITH THE LAUGH OF THE DAY!!!
http://www.tashlespoon.canadianwebs.com/custom2.html
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David Caruso