Wednesday, April 30, 2008

David Caruso's addictions..

Lately on the CBS CSI Miami Board:

"What has happened to CSI Miami? The actors look like they have been fullblown alcoholics for years and last week H beat an innocent suspect. Where is my holier than thou Caine? So many episodes have been about clearing the cast from false info... And now when he is guilty no one cares... And fellow viewers... Have a look at the casts eyes and tell me they don´t look like they been drinking for years." (Posted by callie-walma)
Well, in David Caruso's case you could be right.
He is a dried alcoholic.

Just take a look at his careworn face.
Who says he hasn't relapsed?
Once an addict...always an addict..

David Caruso's red pubes

I never watched that PD Blue show because Caruso was laughable as a "tough guy" and now on the Miami show I just can't sit through an episode, his acting is terrible. He makes William Shatner look like Robert De Niro.

The following interesting chitchat was found while idly surfing the net:

Poster 1:
Making fun of the red pubed David Caruso is not gay.

Poster 2:
Making fun of David Caruso may not be gay, but mentioning his pubes is.

Poster 1:
so...back to Caruso's pubes...landing strip or bald?

Poster 2:
He shaves a big C for Caruso. It's crooked. Maybe the C is for Crooked.

Poster 3:
Finally some humor. The real reason David Caruso was brought here from what we can only assume was another galaxy.


Tuesday, April 29, 2008

David Caruso is dreadful...

David Caruso (CSI Miami) - Dear God is he a dreadful fucking actor!
It’s actually comical how bad he is. Caruso moves like he's a fucking Lurch.

His overacting
puts Gary Oldman to shame, the difference being that when Gary Oldman does it, it's awesome. I don't know how, but it is. Probably because he stars in movies that are surreal to begin with, not television shows that are meant to be somewhat-accurate portrayals of crime scenes.
And if Caruso ever opens his eyes all the way or speaks at an audible level, I swear to God I'm going to have a fucking heart attack.

David Caruso's Condom

Not ours.
But this article is so great that we just had to add it to our collection! Kudos to the author for putting things on the net that many, many people agree with.
We want MORE of that!
"Every so often I watch an episode of CSI: Miami. I don't know how I get to that point, from the happy state of not watching CSI: Miami to the morally compromised state of watching CSI: Miami, but I obviously get there somehow. It's strange - I could be out rescuing a family of star-nosed moles from evil carnies at one moment, and then there's a kind of warp in front of my eyes and then the entish face of David Caruso is sweeping back and forth across the television screen.
CSI: Miami is rewarding not for its entertainment value - although it is undeniably, if uninentionally, entertaining - but for its fanatical contempt for 98 per cent of the population. David Caruso's character Horatio Cane (really?) is a tech-heavy update of Dragnet's Joe Friday, drifting through a morally bankrupt world where the Eloi laugh at the notion of moral responsibility and the Morlocks feed with impunity - until a stray fiber or thread of saliva brings them down.
Television has traditionally relied on shallow characterization, but CSI: Miami seems uniquely uninterested in psychologically convincing characters.. David Caruso's character, despite the frequent gestures towards a personal life, is a blood-free cyborg programmed to protect innocent women, ignore civil rights and constantly answer his own questions. He is in fact a cyborg condom.
That's my favourite part of the show: when the perpetrator, confronted by a tiny pile of forensic clues that, in the real world, would add up to a whole lotta nothing, suddenly tells the whole story. I keep thinking, now would be the time to shut up. I think, where's your lawyer? But you know those lawyers. They keep trying to poke holes in the CSI condom."

Monday, April 28, 2008

David Caruso - The most annoying gobber on TV?

Is David Caruso the most annoying goober on TV?
I watched CSI-Miami last night and almost got dry heaves. He does seem to have less personality than a rock on that show.If I remember correctly this tools are so full of himself he priced himself out of a Television drama
series because he figured he was going to be a huge film star. ? Caruso sucked and had numerous flops before returning to his dark master the boob tube.

Anyone remember South Park's Caruso refrence? The boys were trying to rescue Ike from the aliens, and he is sitting at the door waving down at them from the space ship as they yell for him to jump. Finally, Kyle yells, "IKE!! Do your impression of David Caruso's career!!"
And then Ike dives head-first out the door of the ship.
I can't watch the CSI Miami just because I can't stand the talentless hack.. ..he's right up there with William Shatner..

David Caruso on THE SOUP again!

As we all know last weeks' episode "To catch a predator" was meeeh.
So meeh that THE SOUP and the distinctive Joel McHale couldn't help it but snark about.....DAVID CARUSO.
As always, hilariously funny.

David Caruso - Bland and boring!

David Caruso is a horrible actor.
What can I do to make him finally go away?

I just want the pain to end.

Caruso seems to be incapable of standing squarely in front of anyone she is speaking with. He seems to stand sideways and crane his neck a lot.
He shows no expressions whatsoever.

Caruso is just bland and boring. David Caruso’s voice is almost as bad as his movie career.
Besides, why does David Caruso need to take a breath after each word that he utters? Does he have COPD or something?



Sunday, April 27, 2008

David Caruso....WTF???

The CSI Miami message board is a difficult ground for anyone who doesn't want to heap praise onto hammy non-actor David Caruso. Bat-shit crazy fan girls will use their clwas to defend the ginger shit-head.
Not so our board. We LOVE to snark!!!
Every anti-David Caruso message/post is more than welcomed. We take pride in hosting only the best of the best.
And the following - posted by a brave soul (you go girl!) is one among the best.
"I'm sorry, but what do they see in Caruso? I can't stand when he is on the screen or listen to his lines. He is the worst thing about this show.
I only watch it if there is nothing on other channels, I don't have a book to read, no rented movies, places to go, socks to sort, etc. He makes me cringe. I absolutely LOVE the original CSI and hoped I would love this one too. Oh well, there are enough other things to do. I just wish they would take him off the show......."
Good question!

David Caruso - Sunday candy

David Caruso is one of the worst actor's I've seen since Keanu Reeves! Bland and awful. The problem is, he makes the network money. 80 year old women love him! I loathe that pock marked hack.
Talk about wooden “acting”. Shame he has a fear of exits, about time he made one.
David Caruso - The wet dream of 80 year old grannies! Priceless!

David Caruso is fried

I LOVE the original CSI, and can tolerate Miami and NY.
But David Caruso annoys the crap out of me.

I just watched the episode where the bride was killed on her wedding day and I actually heard Caruso utter the line "a little thing we like to call... murder." I feel like there should be more ellipses in there because his speech is so halting.
That show could be 23 minutes long if the got someone who could speak with a normal cadence.

Besides, you'll almost never see David Caruso do any physical activity and talk at the same time. According to Defamer, it's because he can't.
He's just that fried.
And if he doesn't have his sunglasses, he gets completely lost in a scene.....


Saturday, April 26, 2008

David "Fuck, I'm Amazing" Caruso...

I hate cable television.
I hate U.S. cable television.

And I hate cookie cutter programming that puts a twat like Horatio right in center stage.
Horatio is
David "Fuck I'm Amazing" Caruso character as played in that firehose of pap that is CSI:Miami. Caruso seems to believe that simply by putting on his shades and lowering his voice he suddenly becomes the worlds most terrifying man.


I just did a quick count and ran out of fingers. Yep I know at least ten guys who could kick your ass... DAVID CARUSO..

A Masterpiece - Sorry, we just HAD to plagiarize!!!

David Caruso - Bat Crap Crazy!

Yesterday we presented you Ausellios great post about an actor with a strange phobia. ( Today we produly present the 8 BEST COMMENTS to Ausellio's BLIND ITEM. ENJOY!!!
"Given the clues and the 10,000 similar stories I've heard over the years: it can only be Caruso."
"Has to be David Caruso! :D He can't do anything apart from speak slowly!"
Caruso. Mainly because of this article:
It doesn't mention doors, but shows there is something seriously wrong with this "actor"
describes a young director's traumatic experience with the diva, and specifically says "fear of thresholds". That darned david caruso...
I watched an interview with David Milch (Deadwood) who said that he had argued so much with Caruso during the filming of Season One of NYPD Blue that he had a heart attack. He refused to go to the doctor until he finished the argument - needless to say, he absolutely HATES David Caruso!
he is wacked
Even without the articles to prove it is David Caruso, it was a pretty obvious blind item. I did watch this week's episode again and there was a scene where he walks into a potential pediphile's victim's house and they actual cut to a wide shot when he walks in and it looks pretty obvious that it is a stand-in for Caruso who walks through the door. I wouldn't have noticed it if it wasn't for the blind item though.
Yes, I do believe that David Caruso has a neurological disorder...he's totally bat crap crazy!

David Caruso - Like a leprechaun

David Caruso irritates the hell out of me. He looks like a leprechaun struggling to act... I like the show, but Caruso makes my skin crawl whenever he utters his lines...setting up for a dramatic cut to commercial. I’d like to kick him and his sunglasses wearing, dramatic slow-talking, one-liner self in the balls. (Who wouldn't???)
Basically David Caruso talks with his head to the side in a melodramtic/horrible acting voice. Look down, deliver line, start walking, jump to black, then to commercial. He says EVERYTHING at the same pace and uses the same tone. I think he sounds like a pervert when he's talking to kids.....LOL

Friday, April 25, 2008

David Caruso - CSI "NUTCASE"

Ausellio from TV Guide provided us with the laugh of the day. It is just so entertaining. Remember the article published by the DEFAMER?

Auselio's "BLIND ITEM"
reads as follows:

You've heard of claustrophobia and arachnophobia and a million other phobias. But how about portalphobia? No? Well, first of all, let me tell you, yes, there is such a thing. And secondly, the affliction — in essence a fear of entrances, exits or any open doorway — is making production of one hit series a day-to-day struggle, because its star suffers from it. Not only do the writers have to make sure not to have the performer coming into or leaving rooms, but, in the event the lead decides that a door is too close for comfort, entire scenes have to be reblocked, inconveniencing everyone. Mind you, if this was the headliner's only annoying idiosyncrasy, it might be overlooked or even empathized with. But it's just one of many — which explains why the dreaded "difficult" label has been hauled out and affixed with a slap. So, who's the star who can never be shown the door? I expect some particularly good guesses from you on this one, people, because, unlike other blind items, all you have to do to solve it is check your TiVo for the actor who never turns a doorknob.

It has red hair?
Looks like a leprechaun.
Speakes in annoying one-liners
Can't walk and talk at the same time and is not good with props........BINGO!!!
Ol' ginger David Caruso!!!

David Caruso - Nightmare in orange

I am so done with CSI Miami.
I am so done with David Caruso and his Shatneresque delivery and constant profile shots. I actually had a nightmare in sepia tone where everyone was in profile.
Needless to say, I woke up screaming.

David Caruso has created
a caricature of himself in this show. His pseudo-intensity is almost laughable. He is such a fucking over-acting piece of shit. He's ugly too. Caruso's too ugly for the gators to eat.

I can't believe that someone hates me enough to keep his sorry ass on TV.
Please TV Gods have his character killed off and spare me from seeing his ugly craptastic mug again.
I think of CSI: MIAMI as the new Baywatch: bright colors, beautiful scenery and hard bodies, a winning combination for international success. Just be glad that the writers don't have David Caruso flapping his manboobs as he runs across the beach......


David Caruso makes everything sound so perverted...

David Caruso and his creepy monotone voice is enough to make you want to turn the channel.
It is like the line in Friends way back when, when Monica said "Joey how do you make everything sound so perverted?" and Joey replied by saying it was a talent and then met a challenge by making "Grandma's Chicken salad" sound dirty.

Well, Caruso has this talent but he sounds more like a sex-starved martian when he speaks. Whatever that means.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

The David Caruso syndrome

The David Caruso syndrome: That is when you do well in the first year of a new hit show and then you quit to do better in movies.
Then your movie career goes nowhere.
David Caruso's "movie career" sucked and he had to wait 10 years to get a part in CSI Miami which is very similar to what he had in NYPD Blue.
So he lost 10 years of steady pay on NYPD Blue and missed out on all the emmies the show got.

got that monotone voice that never varies, the way he puts on his shades, the
cocked head and squinting eyes while questioning witnesses -- maybe someday -- something new?


Lampooning David Caruso !

I always considered CSI: Miami to be the KMART of the CSI franchise --the bin where the scripts rejected as too lame for the rest of the franchise ended up --and a humane home for the kind of actors whose natural habitat is in daytime soaps.
The writers surely have a helpful resource in David Caruso to rest their typing fingers, by needing less dialog, thanks to the painfully slow self-conscious delivery of an actor who fully appreciates the sound of his own voice.

If you want to see a great moment of David Caruso' spoofing go to:
Quote: "I’ve never seen somebody lampoon David Caruso quite so perfectly … except, of course, David Caruso himself in “Jade.”

Hear! Hear!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

David Caruso - Anal probe?

David Caruso obviously has no muscles on one side of his neck.... Even during one on one conversations with people his head is down and to the side... occasionally raising his eyes to make eye contact. Is his head to heavy for his neck to hold up??? Has he tried a neck brace???
e has always acted the same, he either whispers or yells.
Caruso ( we call him the sunglass guy from CSI Miami) has to be the worst actor I've ever seen! It's not that he's new and unexperienced. He's been around the block but still acts like he's reading from cue cards... either that or he has an anal probe in at all times.


David Caruso is like an idiot's idea of...

I quite like CSI, but I don't much care for CSI Miami.
I've never much cared for David Caruso, and I REALLY don't care for him in that. He's like a caricature, of a bad joke, of an idiot's idea of what a really, really terrible over-actor is like.

CSI Miami
is supposedly the most successful TV Show in the world. Now there's a crime that needs investigating...... besides, I firmly believe that David Caruso is too ugly to be on television....



Tuesday, April 22, 2008

David Caruso - Verbally challenged

There are some actors who you simply can't watch, unless a misplaced sense of Catholic guilt requires you to do penance by sticking the metaphorical equivalent of a poniard into your eyeballs.
Case in point?
David Caruso
His heavy-handed, over-modulated, Ray-Ban driven delivery (and seriously, has any other actor relied so heavily on a pair of shades to fake gravitas more than this hack?) always makes me reach for the remote.

Caruso's muffled, sanctimonious speech, the art of repeated sunglass folding, how to look cool while running from explosions in polyester pants and the nonverbal communication known as "squint acting".
He must have the 'Victor Newman clause' in his contract, so that every scene he's in ends up with either him having the last word or the last camera shot. me, he'll always be the snot-nosed little punk that got killed by Rambo in FIRST BLOOD.

David Caruso (better known as "The A**hole")

Sometimes you'll have to search for days to find gems like the following article. Sometimes you find them through pure coincidence. In our case it was a more than happy coincidence - it was luck.
Read and enjoy!

CBS has a big problem.
Unfortunately, there’s absolutely nothing they can do about it. We’ve known for years, Caruso is an absolute nightmare to work with.
Cussing out production staff, telling the director what to do and causing many productions to weigh in over budget due to Caruso’s inability to do what he’s paid millions of dollars to do, ACT!
I’ve had a chance to witness exactly what co-workers like Khandi Alexander and Adam Rodriguez only dare to whisper about, on the set. Caruso is one of those actors who can’t stand to be in shots with numerous people – i.e. background artists. He actually needs Line Readers to feed him lines. Hello, are you ten all of a sudden?
As the show’s popularity show no signs of slowing down, neither does Caruso’s over inflated ego. I hear Caruso is still distraught over his failed attempt to break into movies.
Caruso, I’m not sure if your agent is gutsy enough to tell you, “Babe, from your corny one-liners to your dry as peanut deliveries, you’re more painful to look at on the big screen than VH-1’s Flavor Flav was to look at on the small screen!”
Thank you for the good laugh!

Monday, April 21, 2008

David Caruso - The new Hasselhoff?

Horatio Cane’s lines have gotten so bad it is getting hard to watch CSI Miami. Supposedly David Caruso has script approval and can rewrite his lines. (Caruso changes EVERY LINE Horatio has to say to his liking .)
Who talks that way?
It reminds me of David Hasselhoff in KnightRider. Maybe those corny one- liners translate better into Spanish or some other language.

I think it is time for Horatio Cane to get killed off. I think the show would fair much better without him. (Hear! Hear!) CSI wouldn’t even need to replace him, I am sure the rest of the cast would make a great show on their own.

Then the CSI franchise can start CSI Bogota starring David Caruso and please don’t show it in the US.

WHERE do we sign the petition????