Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The David Caruso Comedy Cabaret

David Caruso - I hate this guy. The entire show is the living embodiment of and combined. And that's without even getting started on David Caruso, not so much an actor as a shrivelled orange bag of camera-grabbing mannerisms and tics in a suit. Also, the combination of his ginger hair, crinkled skin and the orange filters used for exterior shots makes him look like a peach stone with eyes.

  • Donning the Sunglasses of Justice halfway through his opening one-liner, then darting out of frame (the obvious one, I know)
  • Tilting head at extreme angles to get more of his face into frame in close-ups
  • Never directly facing anyone he's talking to, except: When talking to kids, squatting down to their eye-level, leaning really close and taking off his sunglasses, then calling them "pal" or "sport" or "slugger" or something in a near-whisper
  • Standing with hands on hips and staring off into the distance at crime scenes after finding a clue
  • utting really long pauses into his speech when he's delivering the forensic coup de gras to a suspect: "So tell, me... Eric... if you hadn't seen her for two weeks... can you explain why we found... your... toenail clipping... in her bathroom?"
  • Never, ever changing his facial expression. Seriously, on the episodes of Miami I've watched, I've never seen him smile, or look mad, or anything other than a vaguely constipated frown.
It's like he studied at the Lenny Briscoe School of One-Liners. And failed.
What bugs me more about David Caruso is his inability to actually look at the person with whom he's speaking. The sunglasses indicate when Caruso is "acting". All the other times he is just being a douche.

Quote of the day: I hate him on CSI Miami. I hope he gets replaced by Carrot Top who would be more believable as an actor.

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