Tuesday, June 3, 2008

David Caruso - Sunglasses, One-Liners, and Red Pubic Hair

David Caruso actually lulled us into a false sense of security (in his abilities as an actor) playing the 'bad cop' John Kelly, to Dennis Franz's 'fat drunk cop' Andy Syphilis Sipowicz, (whatever Polack name it is...). As an aspiring young actor, Caruso had previously displayed his theatrical proweress as Jean Valjean in the On-Broadway production of Les Misérables. His career looked to be on the rise with supporting roles in Hudson Hawk, First Blood, An Officer and a Gentleman, Twins, etc. It was in NYPD Blue, where he secured his place in America's heart by defining that his eternal role would be that of streetwise smacktalking cop. Unfortunately, like many likable actors, David decided that television wasn't good enough for him, and made his way for the silver screen as a leading actor... a decision that was for his career what jumping into the rotar of a hellicopter is for shaving.
and Kiss of Death being gigantic gut wrenching failures, our little ginger thespian, (tail between his legs) returned to television, and in a fit of dispair made one unsuccessful season of Michael Hayes before being nominated for the Academy's 'Shittiest Actor Ever' Award (Please Google 'Andy Dick' and 'Ray Romano' for further nominees).
After chumming it up with Russell Crowe (oh yeah, there's another Hollywood Winner) in Proof of Life (2000) and trying the big screen again in the lead of Session 9 (2001), two gigantic flops, Caruso was cast again (who would have believed it?) in the CBS's CSI: Miami in 2002, where the combination of terrible lead actor and really bad writing would somehow pay off in an alarmingly huge way. America loves Caruso as Horatio Caine; in the way that they love Jerry Springer and 'Proffessional' Wrestling. CSI: Miami is a great example of why 1 out of 5 Americans can't point out their own country on a geographical map of the planet. The fusion of plotless posturing and outright overacting doesn't dismiss the fact that Miami / Dade is in reality a total craphole.
Finally, removing your sunglassesCaruso is so myopic he can't see the cue-cards, this shit needs to go!

In the final episode of season 6, Horatio was gunned down on the tarmac of an airfield, and layed there for 3 minutes, staring at his broken sunglasses while ominous music played in the background. You just know that he's going to be back next season, as we didn't see an exit wound. This is a call to the shows writers: Please for the love of God: just let him die. Don't bring him back for another humiliating season... Put Caruso out of his misery, and let the black guy and the broad with too much plastic sugery finish it out... it's time to nail the coffin shut, for the love of all that is good and holy!. Where is Christopher Walken when we need him?...

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